A Skeptic's Psalm

Lord, I want to be as those who follow you blindly,
As he who has not seen, yet believes.
As Rahab, who paved the way for her city's destruction for the sake of your people
As James and John who left their father and livelihood at a wave of your hand.

Yet how can I be expected to trust in you,
To trust in an ancient book that preaches love and genocide,
To trust in a church without order,
That does as much harm as good,
That is subject to intractable differences and worldly leaders,
To trust in a Holy Spirit that is indecipherable from my whims and feelings,
To trust in a God that can move mountains but chooses to act through coincidence,
To forgo the simple, practical, falsifiable answer to trust in something without evidence?

Am I to ignore what I observe?
Am I to act on feelings without reason?
Is religion nothing more than indecipherable urges?
No. You gave me reason like you gave me whims.
You created me to ask these questions
You are big enough to answer them.
Prove me wrong, reveal yourself in power!

I am not he who has not seen, yet believes.
Let me be lesser, like the apostles, like Thomas.